I Am 40
by twiniitowers
Summary: Eric writes in his computer journal. He loves a man that he can't have...OR? I messed up the timeline on purpose as this story was more of an exercise first and then a one-shot. I hope that you all enjoy it. Take a moment to read and review. Thank you.


_**I Am 40**_

_**..a page from Eric's electronic journal**_

_I am 40-years-old today._

_I look at the never-ending stack of bills on my desk in this little house in Madison, Wisconsin and I wonder how I got here. In _

_a job teaching kids that are less empathetic to others than the kids the year before, who signed his divorce papers one month_

_ ago, and whose child hates my guts for it. But Donna only knows of the label she doesn't know of the person. Yet, I'll never be_

_ able to look into those crystal blue eyes and declare my love for the only person who ever 'got me'. How could I do that to _

_him? How could I ruin his life? And there's no proof that he even is attracted to the same sex. In this journal that is within _

_my thumb drive that is clipped to my School District of Madison ID badge I can write – I love Steven James Hyde. I love him so_

_ much. I have to be the fake and phony adult during the holiday visits. Jackie and Kitty bond over recipes and the times that _

_she burnt a pie for her Home Ec project or when she wouldn't dare touch an egg! But most importantly, how I could I do this _

_to the children? _

_Their children._

_And my daughter.  
><em>

_It's one of the worst feelings in the world when your own child won't talk to you. My Madison hates me for divorcing her _

_mother and it doesn't help matters any that Donna lets her feel these things about her father. No accepting of me in Donna's _

_world. She is the hypocritical liberal, because her marriage is done – I am the one fag she can't support. There's James R. _

_Hyde, he's 13 and he's just like Hyde! But because he was born in a house of love, he's not as caustic as Steven was. Then _

_there's little sweet Jackie (you knew she'd name one of her children after herself!) she's five and adorable. How could I hurt _

_them? How could I assume that even if Steven never thought about another man that he would somehow want ME? I have _

_briefly thought about suicide, but I can't do that to Red and Kitty. They're older now and Dad and I actually get along. They _

_went through their "Oh my gosh, I have a gay son" period and now they support me. Mom even wanted me to go out with _

_her hairdresser Roberto. Gay stereotype much, Mom? So, today, I declined the party. I told my mother I wasn't feeling well _

_and we could all go out to the Vineyard as a family later on. I didn't even get a card from my Madison. Donna wanted to name _

_her that because she was conceived in this house. Good thing we didn't live in Point Place. My fantasies are all that I have, I _

_am used to being in a fantasy world. I have taken part in Star Wars role playing games before I even found the Internet. So _

_now I can picture Hyde – who has fucking aged well – at the front door with a cupcake with a candle in it as he kissed me on _

_the lips. He's self-employed and has a lawn grooming company. Hyde's Grassworks. A little in-joke to his basement hobby, _

_which Jackie forbids, but I know for a fact that Hyde still partakes in a smoke or two. I can't be alone with him anymore _

_because all I want to do is tear off his clothes and make love to him. I just love him so much. But you see I can't ruin any _

_more lives. I'll eat a cheap frozen dinner and go to bed at 7:00 p.m.…that's my 40__th__ birthday, no surprise. No curly haired _

_man in a Led Zeppelin t-shirt and packed in jeans to carry me away. I want him, but I never can have him. You should have _

_heard the dual conversation I had with him and Jackie when Donna blabbed to Jackie on the phone about me being gay as the _

_reason for our divorce. At least they didn't hate me for it. _

_But Jackie was all "poor Donna"…yeah, poor Donna, because my feelings don't matter. It wasn't her business to tell and I _

_couldn't look Hyde in the eyes. I wonder if he knows? He knows what's at stake if we succumb to temptation. But what I _

_wouldn't give for one perfect night with the only person I have ever loved. I'll take this to my eventual grave because Steven _

_Hyde can never know how much I love him and so I'll end this entry today…on my lonely 40__th__ birthday. _

_**15 Minutes Later:  
><strong>_

_The doorbell rang and it was the UPS man and not the cute one with the dark hair who wears the tight brown pants, but the _

_older stocky bald guy. I didn't order anything and the return address on the label read: Shop. San Francisco, California. _

_Contained inside was a gray velvet box and a mysterious card on thick paper revealed the typed message.  
><em>

**_Happy Birthday, Eric. You deserve happiness._**

_No name. I opened up the box and inside was a ring. It was silver and had the square shape typical for men's rings. The _

_square was onyx with an elegant "E" etched inside. There was a small (fake?) diamond chip on the top left corner. There also _

_was an engraving on the inside and I lost my breath for a second when I read it…a secret message – only for me – it was _

_done in a traditional cursive font and it made me believe for a moment that anything in this world was possible. I put the ring _

_on my left pinky finger. It was a perfect fit. If only real life were that easy. It's a shame that it would all go unanswered. And _

_that secret message to me was:  
><em>

_**I love you, too.**_

**The End**

**Question: Do you think it was Hyde that sent Eric the ring?**

_**Author's Note: This author fucked with the timeline on purpose. I know it's only 1990 even if the technology **_

_**indicated otherwise. ;) Want to join our fan fic forum? The link will be in the reviews section in this story. And **_

_**many thanks to my reviewers.**_


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